Even in my sleep now I get no rest

I am in dire need of some TLC. My days now are often busy with work, running errands in between, thinking about ways to live with disability. I have no time for myself. Evening nap is a luxury i can no longer afford. I have kissed goodbye to my pathetic social life. Now, I'm always rushing to get things done and  I am already an expert in eating while driving (I squeeze in dinner while driving back home from the hospital. My meal usually consisted of cold, half-eaten whatever my sister had for earlier).

This sense of urgency sometimes follows me to sleep. It doesn't help when I had to rush in my dreams too. Last night I dreamt that I was in a play organized by my department. Mine was MacBeth.

Don't ask me what was a semiconductor company doing organizing a Shakespearan play. It was as illogical as a dream could get.

I realized I left my script at home and I had to rush home to get the script. In between that I remembered I was looking for a colleague to grab an anti-anxiety pill to calm my anxiety (in reality, I have public speaking terror. People used to feel sorry for me for having to watch me speak in public). And then I remember getting back to the park where the entire department was, and suddenly, Pierre Andre was there and he was coming on to me! I remembered we held hands. It was a major win for me and i was supposed to feel good but i spent the little time i had with Pierre worrying if Arif sees me!

Oxymoron alert: It was a sleepless sleep. Upon waking up, i quickly fixed myself a cup of coffee for a fear returning to that dream.

Even in my sleep now I get no rest.

So You Married Your Mistake.

I don't know why my closest friends and family think of me as a cheap alternative to a psychiatrist or a bottle of Italian wine. Whenever they have relationship or marriage problems, I'll be the first person they consult.

Which is an odd thing to do, considering the fact that certain someone doesn't want to significant-other me.

"What do you want me to do? I was awake since last night, giving my brain cancer thinking about this marriage, and he was snoring!" my Mrs. Married Woman (MMW) said.

Several months into her marriage, marital issue surfaced before her four thousand ringgit wedding videos, which incidentally, will take about six months to complete. Her husband, Mr.Married Man (MMM), thinks post-marital bachelorhood exists and is desperately trying to resuscitate his bachelor life, while MMW thinks he is not doing his duties as a husband.

"He was so pissed after watching the Ghost Rider 2. He thought the movie sucked and wasted his time." MW roared over the phone.

I snorted, "Why is he pissed at you? It's Nicholas Cage that he should be pissed at!"

"Well, i think he was having a bad day and thought the movie would have helped him to release some steam. Turned out, the movie added to it."

Dear God, thank You for keeping me unmarried, I gave a silent gratitude to God  before proceeding, "I think you should not impose your values on him. Because the more you insist, the more he will resist". I took a sip of my coffee. "Look, it's 6 in the morning now, and I'm sure you're tired. Why don't you get some rest, and treat yourself to something you like tomorrow? You can get a haircut or have a big burger for lunch!"

So, you married your mistake. That's the title for this entry, by the way. Do you throw in your towel and run your marriage to the ground by getting angry at your husband all the time, shouting at each other for his choice of ketchup, refuse to do his laundry and laugh at him when he went to work in stinko socks? Or do you choose your battle?

I'd like to go Tolstoy/Gandhi on this. Non-violent resistance. Truth. Realism. Satyagraha. Because everyone is flawed. Even I had a weakness for men with chest hair and the maturity of a hamster. Think of a hipster hairy hamster in dreadlocks. When it comes to marriage, it's about give and take. It's not about keeping tabs on what both parties gave up on to make a marriage work. Because when you keep tabs, you're not doing it sincerely. You're doing it to hold him by his balls, make him beholden to you, and submit to your other requests.

Us women are shrewd in that sense.

A British couple, Percy and Florence Arrowsmith held the record for the longest lasting marriage in the Guinness Book of World Records. The marriage lasted eighty years before the death of Percy Arrowsmith, aged 105, in mid 2005.

When you enter marriage, know that you are destined to spend the rest of your life with your spouse. It's unrealistic to think that it will be all romantic. If  marriage experts decided to study the ever lasting marriage of the Arrowsmiths, they will find events, habits, behavior, and characteristics that could potentially end the marriage (cheating is not dismissed).

Somehow, someway, there are no perfect marriages. It's how you accept the imperfections that make it perfect.

On the Borrowers Tiles

Back in post-Renaissance Europe, many European banks issued small, porcelain tiles to their creditworthy customers. These borrower's tiles were like credit cards. These tiles were imprinted with the owner's name, his credit limit, and the name of the bank. Each time the customer wanted to borrow money, he had to present the tile to the bank teller, who would compare the imprinted credit limit with how much the customer had already borrowed. If the borrower were past the limit, the teller "broke" the tile on the spot.

That's the origin of the term broke, as in, I'm broke.

Which got me to thinking, many women today is unknowingly doing the same thing too. Every time a relationship ends, they break the self-esteem tiles by abusing alcohol and substances and  make unhealthy choices in men just because the 'bank tellers' told them, "You're broke and broken".

What if by staying true to your authentic self, you can find the reprieve you're looking for?

Perhaps starting over means you have to dismantle yourself and give a reason to abuse your body and spirit. Perhaps you needed the social validation. That whatever flaws you were told you had were appealing to others. 

Self-worth and self-esteem are important. Somehow they act like beacons when all you can see is darkness. And along the way, you will find friends who are there for you, who accept you for your mistakes and flaws, and guides you so you don't fall. 

On Nyepi

How come whenever it's the most symbolic for me to experience nyepi in Bali, our time never seem to be right?

Could it be because I am not destined to nyepi?

This is my problem (a fancy problem, really). I made plans to travel to Bali in the end of April. That week will be a significant week. It will be a rite of some sort, an initiation to new opportunities, closing the last remaining doors to what was familiar and dear, and to accept myself; flaws, warts, and all.

And then i realized that Nyepi will be in March. What the frak!

Ok, you Balinese Gods in your thousand pura, basking in the Balinese sun in the land of colorful frangipanis (and where the sky is actually blue). I know you guys are plotting against me, thwarting my attempt to be at peace. You probably love watching this small tiny lady trying to operate on so many levels, betting amongst yourselves when I will come undone. Well, here's my big announcement for you; I am at peace. I might have been carrying my cross for a while but i have others who took over the cross when i am jaded, when i am weary, and when i am getting sick of living through different sets of confusion everyday.

I do not need you, Bali. Because it's not really the destination.

It's the way that I will be traveling.

On Self Worth

Patty Hearst

Because i am a poor judge of character, I am wary of men and their intentions. My disposition is not new; it has just been updated.

A long time ago, somebody's lips almost dropped on mine. I told the guy "Until you can take me as a friend and nothing more than that, don't call me".

A few days ago, I took this my disposition to a new level. The ability to friendzoned men has turned from a defense mechanism to an ingrained trait.

And when you're persistent, I will nuke you.

Some people can attest to this already. In fact, why don't you guys get together, have tea and scones, and talk about the importance of giving me the distance i asked for?

I'm not a feminist.

I just have my self worth.